Apologies :(

Hey everybody,
i’m really sorry i haven’t had anything to say these past couple days; yesterday was honestly one of the hardest days i’ve had since moving here. Definitely in the top three, for sure.

I’ve been frantically hunting for a car because i put it off too long and my car was on life support this whole week. I found one i liked, but thru alot of crazy circumstances that mostly resulted from my own ignorance, it would be a while before i could actually have it. So when my car died yesterday, i didn’t have any clue what i was going to do.

All this said, i’m so thankful for the two families i have who i know love me. My big word of this year has been “provision”; where God has made it possible for me to exist, live and even thrive, against all odds!!
It’s gonna be okay πŸ™‚ I’m getting my parents’ old car on Sunday, and Marth’s family and i have coordinated sharing their cars until then, so while it was crazy-stressful getting to this point, it’s all good now.

Marth. Oh my. If i ever thought i loved that man before…i was completely blown away by how wonderful he was to me yesterday at a time when i needed him so badly.
He was so patient and caring, even in the face of my overwhelming emotions and frustration. He never made me feel like a burden or like i was being stupid; he just gave me hugs and talked to me and let me talk…and especially just let me know he loved me. I hope and pray that i never forget why i chose him.

I’m so thankful.

Advertisements

Dear Marth,

Hi. πŸ™‚
I just was thinking about you.

IMGP0134

We’re both growing up alot. It’s kinda crazy.
We’re both in the same state together, and have been for almost a year. We’re settling in, to a place we’ll be a part of for the next while, Lord-willing.
We have a place for us to live together after we’re married.
We both have cars, and i’m looking to getting a better one.
You have a full time job now, with benefits and good pay. I have two part-time jobs.
We’re getting healthier. Eating better, being more active, and losing weight. πŸ™‚

We’ve changed, alot from the people we were when we met, but we’re still “ourselves”. I still see in you the reasons i loved you more; loved you most. πŸ™‚ This last year has by far been the craziest one of my life, and it’s not even done yet! XD

I know i have a dominating personality and sometimes that clashes with your more easygoing personality. But i just want you to know i’m not going to stop learning how to respect and love you better and learn about you. I’m so excited to be living life with you! No matter what happens, there’s no one else i’d rather be with. πŸ™‚

IMGP0271

i love you. Even when i don’t always do it perfectly, i promise i do. Just don’t forget that, okay?

You’ve been Asleep for an Hour.

I don’t understand why i hold you to such high standards. It causes me to go from top of our world, to plotting your death; zero to sixty, in .02 seconds.
This probably isn’t healthy.
I’m pretty sure it’s just my fault; being stupid over nothing. IΒ KNOWΒ  its over nothing. It’s just opinions…and friendships. Both things i want you to have.
Why are we so different? I’m not getting cold feet, i’m just worried. I don’t know why it makes me feel like my stomach is rotting out of my skeleton; we’ve talked about all of this so many times…I don’t know.
I’m probably just tired.

Advice From Animations

What are you TALKING about?? You are Elastigirl!! My god; pull. yourself. together! ‘What will you do?’??! Is this a question??!
You will show him you remember that he is Mr. Incredible, and you will remind him who YOU are.
You know where he is; go, confront the problem…Fight! Win!”

-Edna “E” Mode,Β The IncrediblesΒ 

“What Does it Truly Mean, to Marry Him?”

This phrase is something that kinda has rung thru my brain for a while; since Marth and i got engaged in October.
My first thoughts, of course, are having someone, physically, emotionally, spiritually, with me, for the rest of my life.
But what does that even mean?
Besides having someone to share a queen-sized bed with (you decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing πŸ˜› ), a constant companion, someone who makes the final calls in the household so i don’t have to, a “roommate” as it were, to split rent with and support me; a best friend, really…what else?

Sometimes, as i believe every person does in their life from time to time, i look at my life, and find myself thinking things like,
“We don’t have alot of money; he must not be providing well.”
“We don’t have everything figured out; he must not be planning well.”
“We disagree on things; i’m afraid that will adversely affect our relationship later.”
“We’re just so different.”

I could go on and on, but you get the gist of it. I’m complaining, and I’m worrying.
While money, personalities, plans and all those things are important, for sure, and essential to living a successful life, in any sense of the word, I find myself coming back to this one thought.

“What does it truly mean…to marry him? Am i up for this, really? How can i be, if i have these doubts and fears and anxieties that i can’t see a resolution to? How do i know this is right?”Β 

Marriage is a provision of God, that gives usΒ someone to suffer with.

When i look at Marth, and all the things I’m anxious about, I picture if they were solved…if i traded him, but had no worries, no anxieties, and no foreseeable reason for any of them…I couldn’t do it.
As much as i am a “doer”, a planner, and a go-getter, kicking and fighting, and never quitting until i get what i set out to do, no matter what the odds…I will give these anxieties and fears to my Lord, and let him deal with them, and with me…Because there is no other human on the face of this earth that i would rather suffer with, both now in these little, normal-young-couple difficulties, and eventually (i’m certain) later as well.
Right now, it’s money, and our future. Later, it could be increased wedding stress, family tension after we’re married, job tension, money and lack thereof, children…the loss of a child. The loss of a sibling, parent or grandparent. An unexpected diagnosis. A faulty transmission in our last functional vehicle. Our greatest fears come to life.

We are dating, and now engaged, because i KNEW, in March of 2014, just before spring break; i knew that i didn’t want to spend my life without him.

So we will go on.

Anxieties and imperfections aside, differences and personality quirks on the back burner; when my world is coming down around me and i am at my worst…There is no one i’d rather have at my side than my Marth; always. Always.

I’m not sure how we’ll figure out this job situation and money situation and plan situation, and future situation, but one thing i do know, is that we’ll do it together. Today, tomorrow, August 27th, and every day after that.

I love you Marth. I am thankful every day that you chose me. Keep your chin up. πŸ™‚ We’ll get thru this, just fine. We’ll be ‘right. We’ll make it, someday.

“Still he braves his path…
And the dust and the dirt cloud his vision,
Onward he rides, unafraid.
He fights the good fight, for good reason,
A star that refuses to fade.”

-Blackmore’s Night, ‘Windmills’.

“I’ll be there, in the night
When you need me…just call my name.
I’ll be there, close your eyes, and you’ll see me.
…Just call my name.”

-Blackmore’s Night, “Just Call My Name (I’ll Be There)”

Heartfelt Prayers and Quiet Nights

*sigh* Dear Lord;Β 

Today has been a good day. I’m ready to pay all my bills when Monday rolls around with $20 left over, which i am so thankful for!
I did alot of reading today, which was so much fun; very relaxing and a change of pace from my normal working out or watching tv.
I’m so excited to have tons of training hours at my new job this week that will help me pay next month’s bills! X’D being all adulty and such…

Tonight i just need to pray for Marth…Our job (my first job) has basically laid us off, at least for this week. People warned me it would happen, but i somehow never believed it until i wasn’t on the schedule for this week and there was a note next to it about “budget cuts” and “trying to be fair”. (We won’t talk about the new favorite girl, who has more hours than all of us put together; they’re just trying to be fair, we understand.) *sigh*

Right now, Marth is so stressed out, understandably so…Please…give me a calm spirit and let me keep my neediness to myself this week, because he needs time to think, get motivated, and trust you to bring another job opportunity along. I love him so much, and i know he needs me, if not right there with him.Β 

Please help him use this anxious time wisely, kick and fight the way i know he can, to find another job. I know he will, but i know the whole process is exhausting and frustrating for him, not to mention anxiety-inducing.
He’s requested to be alone tonight, and i plan to honor that.
Lord, he’s a strong man. But he doesn’t just want to be a bouncer and the muscle of a retail chain store. He has such talent.
Lord, please give him a place he can work to the best of his ability, somehow, someway…I can’t see what you have for us, but i KNOW it’s nothing but the best for us.

Please just keep him calm…and help me be a help, not a hindrance to him. Our heads have been kinda up in the clouds recently, and mine’s only just come back to earth in the past couple days and i know today has been his day for that, too.
God, we love you. And we love eachother. Please protect us while we figure out what to do next. I know it’s all gonna be okay.Β 

“…A Truly Glorious Lord’s Day.”

photo (10)

Wow, i genuinely just have to say, today was a really, really great day. πŸ™‚ No exceptions, no…anything negative, really. πŸ™‚
I got up around 8, freezing cold and not particularly caring if i was late for church membership class at 9, because it was just too cold to be existing at that venture in time. X’D But i somehow bucked myself up and got out of bed, and dressed in the softest, warmest clothes i could find (which coincidentally, all happened to be gray), complete with leg warmers and comfy socks. ^_^

I was on time for class, and it was it’s normal amount of exciting…which really just means informative, so that’s a good thing at least πŸ˜›
Marth and i were both up late last night, so i knew he would be at least boarderlining late, once church actually started…His best friend Caleb went across the street to his house to go get him when it was about five minutes till, and i just talked to people and chilled.
When we were 10 minutes into the service and they still hadn’t shown up, so i just figured they weren’t coming or had slid into the back unnoticed.
As soon as the pastor started the opening prayer tho, my two ninjas slipped down the aisles into their seats, next to their respective ladies, and it was like magic when everybody opened their eyes! XD smooth criminals…

The message was amazing; i absolutely love our new pastor πŸ™‚ He was talking about the unity of the church community and how important it is, if we’re to be perceived as anything but a judgmental, close-minded clique. When we got home, i found this picture that really summed it up well, and i posted it to our church’s facebook group, and thanked our Pastor, because it’s so true…

12416

Uugh; it’s just so true! I love it πŸ™‚ he actually used that verse too, and it just summed up the message really well.
After the service, me, Marth, Caleb and his wife, Amy, took a trip out to our favorite Asian restaurant for lunch πŸ™‚ It was a great time, just to chill and be together and eat amazing food! πŸ˜€
Caleb and Amy went home and Marth and i proceeded to change into our most comfortable clothes, grab our fuzziest blankets and park ourselves on the couch to watch Flip-Or-Flop with his parents…for the next four hours. X’D We mostly slept…it was a good time ^_^

(Bonus; during that time i did receive a call from the Human Resources girl at Wegmans, who was helping set up my interview time with them! πŸ˜€ hopefully, I start on Tuesday! πŸ˜€ )

Around 5:30, we perked up to get ready for the evening service at church, because everyone who wants to play floor hockey in the gym after has to come to church first πŸ˜› So that was fun too; we’re working thru a series on the Bible and we focused mainly on the historical books of the Old Testament. It really inspired me to start reading thru the Bible again, especially the OT, because it’s just so interesting…i honestly love it so much πŸ™‚ Hopefully Amy will do it with me! πŸ˜€

After the service, i zipped home to change into leggings, shorts and a t-shirt to play hockey in πŸ™‚ Marth and i have been practicing, so i was hoping to have made some more improvement over the past two weeks. (more like he’s been helping me practice, because he was part of the church league a while ago, so he’s already amazing. πŸ˜› )
It was super great; i can truly say some of those guys are really some of the most amazing people…they’re sweet, but they won’t baby you, and you actually come out of the pickup games feeling like you’ve done a good run, and learned some stuff, even if it was just everyone’s names and some new word definitions. X’D (“BOARDS, BOARDS, BOARDS!!!”)

But, yeah. πŸ™‚ Marth asked me around 9:30 when the games were over if i wanted to go to Tim Hortons (who ever turns down Tim Hortons, really?) So we got TimBits and french vanilla cappuccino…just like the good old days at college together πŸ™‚ So that was alot of fun too. We chilled there for a while before hitting Tops for some cold meds for me, some melatonin for him, and he also picked up some fruit for the week. He’s really been trying to eat healthier on a more consistent basis, and it’s so encouraging and inspiring to me, because it’s something i really prayed alot about when we first started dating. (at college, he drank mtn. dew, at every single meal, every single day. It was really bad. :/ ) But i’m just really proud of him, and blessed to be there to encourage him and support him!

We both popped some Vitamin C tablets and drove home, recapped tomorrow’s plan and went our separate ways πŸ™‚ But it was really an amazing day, and i’m just so thankful…good way to start a new week. πŸ™‚