The Parenting World is Frightening


Seriously tho. Other parents and other soon-to-be parents, across the generations are notoriously judgmental and condescending. This fact is compounded by the fact that social media is such a huge part of our lives, and with the ability to hide behind a computer screen, people feel the need to say anything that comes to their heads, without any consideration or tact (or regard for grammar or spelling).

It’s a disaster.

With our little Ace, i had an epidural. Not part of my plan. I was “supposed” to do this all naturally, my high pain tolerance working for me, and everything being challenging but feeling motherly, like a “true woman” and empowered, like everyone says you do. But, after writhing around in bed, ready to rip the bedrail off with each contraction (which were 1-3 minutes apart from the second my water broke, so i had that going for me at least), i asked, and they gladly gave it.
As a result, Ace’s delivery was amazing. I may definitely have not felt like a “true woman” in the sense everyone else refers to, but i felt like me. It took the experience from traumatic to “I might potentially want to have children again.” I pushed for half an hour and with the help of a small epis, Ace was here, in just over 9 hours. 🙂 He was perky, lifting his head up and trying to nurse right away; a picture of perfection. Despite it being different from what i planned/wanted, he was here, and there was no signs of him being worse for wear. (Also, how can you truly know what you want, when you’re in the comfort of your home, NOT feeling like your pelivis is coming apart from the middle out, and you’re being impaled thru the back…every 1-3 minutes?)

The night we took him home, he refused to sleep in our room, or by himself at all for that matter; we found out later it was too cold. I was paranoid about co-sleeping in a bed; i was worried I’d be too comfortable and sleep too deeply already being so sleep-deprived. So i slept upright in a chair in the spare room for two weeks, and then i would sleep downstairs on the couch with him on me, and we’d sneak him down for naps in the pack-n-play in the living room. I started him sleeping up in his big crib in the spare room for naps at 3 weeks old because he was doing so well, and we were excited to return to our bed. That resulted in nothing but stress and crying (both him and me) and sleepless nights, every single night until finally, after i had spent the night with 2 and a half hours of sleep, at 6am, i took him out of the room. Marth asked if he could help and i said “i just want to f****** sleep.” And walked downstairs, turned on the tv, and we slept together on the couch until 9:30. It was then with a heavy heart at my progress going backwards, that i had to move BACK downstairs and start over again essentially. Not what we had planned, and i can hear the co-sleeping and lack-of-routine judgment already. But I NEED. F******. SLEEP. I wasn’t sure what else to do, as pride-crunching and frustrating as it was. (Is it even “right”??? I still don’t know.)

He breastfed amazingly, right from the start. Even the pediatrician told me I should give lessons. Until week 2, that is. It was like he’d never seen a boob before. It became BEYOND painful for me. When we were alone in the house, the two of us would sit and cry and sweat and struggle; it was awful, and i couldn’t believe this was happening. Long-story short, i switched to exclusively pumping, for the next 2 and a half weeks, which then caused us to over feed him and he was bloated and cranky. Even when we figured out the problem, and we started limiting him to an ounce an hour it resulted in him not getting enough hindmilk, so he wasn’t pooping enough and still always seemed hungry and like his stomach was upset.
Literally took me until last night at 10:30pm, after my husband had been holding him for an hour trying to get him to sleep, I attempted again to breastfeed him and braced myself.
It was nothing short of a miracle. For real tho; i couldn’t believe it. He latched instantly, and fed from both sides until he fell asleep.

Both of these situations summarize the last month for me in a nutshell: Having a plan, and an idea and doing research and wanting to stick to it, but ultimately changing in order to accommodate what works. I have no clue what I’m teaching him to be comfortable with, and i may be kicking myself later for teaching him bad habits i don’t even realize I’m doing, all because I’m young and clueless and tired.

I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen from here, but man, All this said and done, the last thing i want to do is be judged for any of it, or have anyone say “well, *I’M* going to do it this way…” (Emphasis on the tone; people are allowed to do whatever they want) but it’s just one of those things that you’ll have no idea about until you do it for yourself. I’m thankful that unless I’m in a crappy mood or sleep-deprived, I’m able to look at other parents/soon-to-be parents and give a beaming smile and say “well, this is why we were each given our own kids, so we don’t have to agree! ^_^ ” but other times it really brings me down and i just want to say “Oh, just you wait until yours are born/such-and-such an age, and you’ll find yourself making difficult decisions, and wanting to die too!” It’s far easier to say “oh, screaming is the only way they know how to communicate; you should be more patient with your poor baby, you should do _____, ______, ______ and ______ and maybe then you woulnd’t have these problems.” And I’m just like “AAAAAND MAYBE I SHOULD PUNCH YOU IN YOUR FACE AND THEN YOU WOULDN’T HAVE THESE PROBLEMS.”

The only thing that makes it better is learning that children are a cross that everyone will bear, because no matter how easy we make it look, how badly we want them, or how good of people we seem to be. Every parent will end up at a boiling point, no matter who they are or whether it’s their first or 9th child.

Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. And I’m learning not to punish other parents with my words, opinions and judgments, because their children will do it for them, and far better than i can.
As each parent spends their own sleepless nights, and deals with the doubts, fears, and frustrations they cause, the issues other parents have with your decisions are the least of our worries.


So I’ve Picked up Blogging Again…


Wow, it’s been a long time. I don’t quite have a ton of time to update my entire life, so I’ll cut to the chase for right now. I am the Mummy of a 4-week-old little boy right now, and its definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done. According to a quiz my insurance company gave me, I’m “moderately depressed”. As a result, i’ve been looking up a lot of inspirational mom quotes and intentions and such, to actively keep myself positive, because i really find myself frustrated daily with my child, and in tears at night because he won’t sleep. On particularly bad days when i finally allow my husband to help me, and i collapse onto the couch or bed between 6-10am after getting 2 hours of sleep all night, i find myself crying for hours, because it comes easier than falling asleep.

I’m not a fan of diagnoses. Call me stereotyping. Call me judgemental. But i am here because i at the very least, have heavy-duty baby blues, and i don’t want anyone knowing about it. At the very most, I have at most, moderate maternal depression, and i *definitely* don’t want anyone knowing about it. I don’t judge anyone else with mental or emotional illnesses, but i judge myself for them, and i don’t want anyone else thinking i need to be taken care of, or I’m going to hurt my child.

The reason I’m back here. I need to communicate my thoughts and hurts and frustrations in a place where no one i know in person will know about it. I want to see if taking this time for myself, even if it’s 20 minutes to midnight, will improve my attitude and my stress levels. If i can take a moment to climb myself out of the hurting, frustrating and tired hole i fall into thru out the day, and remind myself why i do what i do, and the big picture i face as a mom, which is totally worth everything i go thru in a day, I’m hoping…maybe it’ll make me a better person. Because right now…
– I won’t let anyone, including my husband help me, and he finally forces the issue when I’m bawling my freaking eyes out and begging my child to sleep. I won’t let any of my inlaws hold him when he’s cranky, and even when he’s not, i wait patiently for him to start crying or need something and i promptly take him back. I’m not showering, I’m not cleaning, I’m not doing anything for myself; I’m simply waiting until he needs something to resume my only focus for these last 4 weeks.
– I get frustrated with him, simply for crying or being awake, because then i actually have to think about what to do with him, and it’s always inconvenient times like 2:30 in the morning that he decides he’s going to be wide awake and/or start screaming because he pulled his own pacifier out of his mouth and doesn’t understand why it’s not there anymore or how to get it back. I’m frustrated with my 4-week-old. What the fuck is the matter with me?
– I’m basically waiting around to be medically cleared to work out again, for the weather to be warmer so we can walk outside more often, and for when we move on the 24th of this month, back to Maine with my family where we will have more support and basically be starting fresh. There’s nothing wrong with any of those things, except that I’m basically saying my happiness hinges upon my circumstances, and when things don’t go how i want, I’m going to allow it to get to me, until the things around me change. I’m absolutely crushed by this. I thought i was better than that.
– This isn’t as big a deal because it IS hard, but i can’t even get out of the house for a gallon of milk. Everything’s cold, everyone’s sick, and it wasn’t always something i had such a hard time with, but it is now. That makes me a little nervous, because i feel like in that aspect, I’m getting worse instead of better. In theory, i don’t mind, but the actual get-up-and-go is nonexistent.
Even worse than that, i don’t want anyone else over my house either. I want to be left alone.

That’s all i can think of off the the top of my head. I’m just…struggling hard, and I’m not comfortable letting people know on Instagram or Facebook. I’m content to post pictures of my perfect child, and be positive, happy and funny like i always am. Nobody need know anything else.

So that’s why I’m back.

Mother’s Day Thoughts – I’ll be Honest. I’m Frustrated.

I was reading some articles about Mother’s day on a mummy/wifey blog and very many articles, and comments, revolve around the how much people hate it!
I never realized so many people are so up-in-arms about Mother’s Day. I always thought perhaps it was hard for some people who didn’t have their mums with them anymore or who lived too far away to celebrate together.
Turns out, people are flipping their lids because apparently celebrating motherhood is degrading to those who aren’t mothers. Who knew?
Humanity. You’re killing me. Can you just realize for one moment that life isn’t about you??? And this “painful and terrible day that you refuse to be a part of” for a variety of reasons is just not justifiable?
Let me first say that anyone who has ever lived thru a miscarriage or lost a child in any way is already stronger than me; that is one of my greatest fears in life.
But, to me, you are a mother, your child just isn’t with you anymore. Don’t make a lost child (either in the world, or to the world) less than a real child.
I just don’t understand why fellow women would insist that the hardest job on earth isn’t worth being celebrated because it’s “too painful” for you.
And people who are in their late 20s-30s either single, or childless (have never carried or adopted a child) and just can’t handle sitting in a church service where the pastor asks the mums to stand up….and you “just can’t handle it anymore” and stand up?? what??! I don’t understand the pressure to do that…It literally makes zero sense to me.
The struggle of wanting children is real. I understand; I’m a girl too. But why do you have to degrade the greatest responsibility on earth, just because God hasn’t given it to you (yet? Or not in the way you imagined?)
“Real women” don’t have children. “Real women” do have children! Why does that have to define us?? Why do we desire to remove the holiday alltogether because the memory of our children and the love and plan of God isn’t enough for us??
….I guess that’s what it boils down to.

Shared from my Tumblr, @meyla3839

Apologies :(

Hey everybody,
i’m really sorry i haven’t had anything to say these past couple days; yesterday was honestly one of the hardest days i’ve had since moving here. Definitely in the top three, for sure.

I’ve been frantically hunting for a car because i put it off too long and my car was on life support this whole week. I found one i liked, but thru alot of crazy circumstances that mostly resulted from my own ignorance, it would be a while before i could actually have it. So when my car died yesterday, i didn’t have any clue what i was going to do.

All this said, i’m so thankful for the two families i have who i know love me. My big word of this year has been “provision”; where God has made it possible for me to exist, live and even thrive, against all odds!!
It’s gonna be okay 🙂 I’m getting my parents’ old car on Sunday, and Marth’s family and i have coordinated sharing their cars until then, so while it was crazy-stressful getting to this point, it’s all good now.

Marth. Oh my. If i ever thought i loved that man before…i was completely blown away by how wonderful he was to me yesterday at a time when i needed him so badly.
He was so patient and caring, even in the face of my overwhelming emotions and frustration. He never made me feel like a burden or like i was being stupid; he just gave me hugs and talked to me and let me talk…and especially just let me know he loved me. I hope and pray that i never forget why i chose him.

I’m so thankful.

Heartfelt Prayers and Quiet Nights

*sigh* Dear Lord; 

Today has been a good day. I’m ready to pay all my bills when Monday rolls around with $20 left over, which i am so thankful for!
I did alot of reading today, which was so much fun; very relaxing and a change of pace from my normal working out or watching tv.
I’m so excited to have tons of training hours at my new job this week that will help me pay next month’s bills! X’D being all adulty and such…

Tonight i just need to pray for Marth…Our job (my first job) has basically laid us off, at least for this week. People warned me it would happen, but i somehow never believed it until i wasn’t on the schedule for this week and there was a note next to it about “budget cuts” and “trying to be fair”. (We won’t talk about the new favorite girl, who has more hours than all of us put together; they’re just trying to be fair, we understand.) *sigh*

Right now, Marth is so stressed out, understandably so…Please…give me a calm spirit and let me keep my neediness to myself this week, because he needs time to think, get motivated, and trust you to bring another job opportunity along. I love him so much, and i know he needs me, if not right there with him. 

Please help him use this anxious time wisely, kick and fight the way i know he can, to find another job. I know he will, but i know the whole process is exhausting and frustrating for him, not to mention anxiety-inducing.
He’s requested to be alone tonight, and i plan to honor that.
Lord, he’s a strong man. But he doesn’t just want to be a bouncer and the muscle of a retail chain store. He has such talent.
Lord, please give him a place he can work to the best of his ability, somehow, someway…I can’t see what you have for us, but i KNOW it’s nothing but the best for us.

Please just keep him calm…and help me be a help, not a hindrance to him. Our heads have been kinda up in the clouds recently, and mine’s only just come back to earth in the past couple days and i know today has been his day for that, too.
God, we love you. And we love eachother. Please protect us while we figure out what to do next. I know it’s all gonna be okay. 

“…A Truly Glorious Lord’s Day.”

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Wow, i genuinely just have to say, today was a really, really great day. 🙂 No exceptions, no…anything negative, really. 🙂
I got up around 8, freezing cold and not particularly caring if i was late for church membership class at 9, because it was just too cold to be existing at that venture in time. X’D But i somehow bucked myself up and got out of bed, and dressed in the softest, warmest clothes i could find (which coincidentally, all happened to be gray), complete with leg warmers and comfy socks. ^_^

I was on time for class, and it was it’s normal amount of exciting…which really just means informative, so that’s a good thing at least 😛
Marth and i were both up late last night, so i knew he would be at least boarderlining late, once church actually started…His best friend Caleb went across the street to his house to go get him when it was about five minutes till, and i just talked to people and chilled.
When we were 10 minutes into the service and they still hadn’t shown up, so i just figured they weren’t coming or had slid into the back unnoticed.
As soon as the pastor started the opening prayer tho, my two ninjas slipped down the aisles into their seats, next to their respective ladies, and it was like magic when everybody opened their eyes! XD smooth criminals…

The message was amazing; i absolutely love our new pastor 🙂 He was talking about the unity of the church community and how important it is, if we’re to be perceived as anything but a judgmental, close-minded clique. When we got home, i found this picture that really summed it up well, and i posted it to our church’s facebook group, and thanked our Pastor, because it’s so true…


Uugh; it’s just so true! I love it 🙂 he actually used that verse too, and it just summed up the message really well.
After the service, me, Marth, Caleb and his wife, Amy, took a trip out to our favorite Asian restaurant for lunch 🙂 It was a great time, just to chill and be together and eat amazing food! 😀
Caleb and Amy went home and Marth and i proceeded to change into our most comfortable clothes, grab our fuzziest blankets and park ourselves on the couch to watch Flip-Or-Flop with his parents…for the next four hours. X’D We mostly slept…it was a good time ^_^

(Bonus; during that time i did receive a call from the Human Resources girl at Wegmans, who was helping set up my interview time with them! 😀 hopefully, I start on Tuesday! 😀 )

Around 5:30, we perked up to get ready for the evening service at church, because everyone who wants to play floor hockey in the gym after has to come to church first 😛 So that was fun too; we’re working thru a series on the Bible and we focused mainly on the historical books of the Old Testament. It really inspired me to start reading thru the Bible again, especially the OT, because it’s just so interesting…i honestly love it so much 🙂 Hopefully Amy will do it with me! 😀

After the service, i zipped home to change into leggings, shorts and a t-shirt to play hockey in 🙂 Marth and i have been practicing, so i was hoping to have made some more improvement over the past two weeks. (more like he’s been helping me practice, because he was part of the church league a while ago, so he’s already amazing. 😛 )
It was super great; i can truly say some of those guys are really some of the most amazing people…they’re sweet, but they won’t baby you, and you actually come out of the pickup games feeling like you’ve done a good run, and learned some stuff, even if it was just everyone’s names and some new word definitions. X’D (“BOARDS, BOARDS, BOARDS!!!”)

But, yeah. 🙂 Marth asked me around 9:30 when the games were over if i wanted to go to Tim Hortons (who ever turns down Tim Hortons, really?) So we got TimBits and french vanilla cappuccino…just like the good old days at college together 🙂 So that was alot of fun too. We chilled there for a while before hitting Tops for some cold meds for me, some melatonin for him, and he also picked up some fruit for the week. He’s really been trying to eat healthier on a more consistent basis, and it’s so encouraging and inspiring to me, because it’s something i really prayed alot about when we first started dating. (at college, he drank mtn. dew, at every single meal, every single day. It was really bad. :/ ) But i’m just really proud of him, and blessed to be there to encourage him and support him!

We both popped some Vitamin C tablets and drove home, recapped tomorrow’s plan and went our separate ways 🙂 But it was really an amazing day, and i’m just so thankful…good way to start a new week. 🙂

Life Updates ^_^

ooooh my goodness!! My friends, i’m so sorry i haven’t posted in so long!!
First things first… 🙂 While we were at Marth’s best friend’s wedding two weekends ago, (Oct. 11th) he took advantage of an amazing opportunity to have Caleb’s wife do a bouquet-toss fake-out…and he proposed!!
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t was kindaaa the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me!!! 😀 He was so nervous, Amy was so nervous, but they both did wonderful and i never suspected a thing!!
fter what was definitely one of the most amazing nights of my life, tho, the following week proved to be extremely stressful…My mom, i guess, didn’t realize that i wanted to have the wedding in New York instead of Maine, and we had several loud discussions in which much insults were spoken, and much crying was done…but thankfully that was resolved quickly and she just needed to get used to it i think…by Saturday (almost a week later) she was just fine with it all 🙂
I also work at our church with Mark’s sister, teaching preschool gym every Wednesday morning! So i’ll have cute preschooler stories for you every once in a while!! They’re so precious and they’ve already glued their sticky, tiny fingers to me, even tho I’ve only been there for two weeks!
Now, im in the process of planning all this wedding stuff on my own, for the most part…my mom and maid of honor (Kym; she’s my neighbor and best friend in Maine since i was 8. ^_^ ) have been helping me out, as well as Amy, because she just finished her wedding, so it’s not a bad gig, overall 🙂 stressful, but good! 😀
I feel like i couldn’t possibly be more in love with Marth than i am now (tho i’m sure this good thing will just get better!) and it’s so cool that everything that happens each day, whether we see eachother or don’t, whether we’re at work together, or sleeping on the couch on a Sunday afternoon after watching Naruto, or even after having a forceful conversation about our differing opinions, i know, more than ever before, that this is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve known since March of 2014 that, if at all possible, i didn’t ever want to spend my life without him.
It’s all quite exciting!! 🙂