So I’ve Picked up Blogging Again…

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Wow, it’s been a long time. I don’t quite have a ton of time to update my entire life, so I’ll cut to the chase for right now. I am the Mummy of a 4-week-old little boy right now, and its definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done. According to a quiz my insurance company gave me, I’m “moderately depressed”. As a result, i’ve been looking up a lot of inspirational mom quotes and intentions and such, to actively keep myself positive, because i really find myself frustrated daily with my child, and in tears at night because he won’t sleep. On particularly bad days when i finally allow my husband to help me, and i collapse onto the couch or bed between 6-10am after getting 2 hours of sleep all night, i find myself crying for hours, because it comes easier than falling asleep.

I’m not a fan of diagnoses. Call me stereotyping. Call me judgemental. But i am here because i at the very least, have heavy-duty baby blues, and i don’t want anyone knowing about it. At the very most, I have at most, moderate maternal depression, and i *definitely* don’t want anyone knowing about it. I don’t judge anyone else with mental or emotional illnesses, but i judge myself for them, and i don’t want anyone else thinking i need to be taken care of, or I’m going to hurt my child.

The reason I’m back here. I need to communicate my thoughts and hurts and frustrations in a place where no one i know in person will know about it. I want to see if taking this time for myself, even if it’s 20 minutes to midnight, will improve my attitude and my stress levels. If i can take a moment to climb myself out of the hurting, frustrating and tired hole i fall into thru out the day, and remind myself why i do what i do, and the big picture i face as a mom, which is totally worth everything i go thru in a day, I’m hoping…maybe it’ll make me a better person. Because right now…
– I won’t let anyone, including my husband help me, and he finally forces the issue when I’m bawling my freaking eyes out and begging my child to sleep. I won’t let any of my inlaws hold him when he’s cranky, and even when he’s not, i wait patiently for him to start crying or need something and i promptly take him back. I’m not showering, I’m not cleaning, I’m not doing anything for myself; I’m simply waiting until he needs something to resume my only focus for these last 4 weeks.
– I get frustrated with him, simply for crying or being awake, because then i actually have to think about what to do with him, and it’s always inconvenient times like 2:30 in the morning that he decides he’s going to be wide awake and/or start screaming because he pulled his own pacifier out of his mouth and doesn’t understand why it’s not there anymore or how to get it back. I’m frustrated with my 4-week-old. What the fuck is the matter with me?
– I’m basically waiting around to be medically cleared to work out again, for the weather to be warmer so we can walk outside more often, and for when we move on the 24th of this month, back to Maine with my family where we will have more support and basically be starting fresh. There’s nothing wrong with any of those things, except that I’m basically saying my happiness hinges upon my circumstances, and when things don’t go how i want, I’m going to allow it to get to me, until the things around me change. I’m absolutely crushed by this. I thought i was better than that.
– This isn’t as big a deal because it IS hard, but i can’t even get out of the house for a gallon of milk. Everything’s cold, everyone’s sick, and it wasn’t always something i had such a hard time with, but it is now. That makes me a little nervous, because i feel like in that aspect, I’m getting worse instead of better. In theory, i don’t mind, but the actual get-up-and-go is nonexistent.
Even worse than that, i don’t want anyone else over my house either. I want to be left alone.

That’s all i can think of off the the top of my head. I’m just…struggling hard, and I’m not comfortable letting people know on Instagram or Facebook. I’m content to post pictures of my perfect child, and be positive, happy and funny like i always am. Nobody need know anything else.

So that’s why I’m back.

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