“Sometimes, to stay alive, you gotta kill your mind.” -twenty-one pilots

I’m a thinker, and a talker. One of the most dangerous combinations in the world. My sweet Marth is a thinker. Not a talker. At all.
Now, after being here for a little over a month, the glamour of ending 8 months of long distance has officially worn off, as we both now have jobs, and we’re setting goals, as a couple and personally, and the realness and rawness of who we are, in the real world, is surfacing. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. But i didn’t expect to be…taught so much, myself. I thought i learned alot last year at the Bible Institute, about approaching people, and reading and communicating with them. The things i learned there rocked my world. But nothing could truly prepare me for someone not only the exact opposite of me, gender-wise, but also in personality, as well. Opposites truly do attract, if you don’t go crazy first. XD

Marth is the most wonderful man in the world; it’d take ALOT for me to adjust to the idea of being with someone else. But my initial fear of intimidating or scaring him off has all but dissipated, and we’re starting to clash, over silly things. Silly, silly things. Tonight, I said something, he implied that it could have been said differently or not at all, and i tucked my metaphorical tail between my legs and metaphorically RAN, all while being angry at myself for not communicating better. The closest thing I can describe it as was a violent flash, like a disarming spell, of “WHY CAN’T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT??!!” that knocked me backwards. “Avada Kedavra!!!”

Only Marth didn’t cast that spell at me. I turned the wand around and hit myself with it.
He says that frustration at not being perfect is “a first-born thing. And you need to deal with that.” and it’s true.

It’s hard, cuz as he is an introvert, part of my brain almost thinks he’s just gonna sit and take anything, and i have to be extra sensitive, but he’s not like that at all. He’s truly an excellent example of someone silent, tougher then nails, and could easily take being walked over…but won’t. I guess i’m just scared of being annoying to him. Which is my own insecurity and fear, and there’s no room for either of those in a relationship, ya know?
He’s always been himself with me; 100% honestly and truly. I only wish i could be myself with him as well, but it’s difficult, when you can be almost anything, in any situation. You’re firstborn. You give up stuff you want, cuz the other kids are more important, and giving something up will prevent a meltdown. But you also say the stuff that gets people mad at you, but it’s what needs to be said, what needs to be done. Usually with no room for argument. You’re firstborn. It’s what you do.
*sigh* I think i’m just tired. And my biological clock is a bit off, if you pick up what i’m putting down (if not…go ask your mom.) Sorry if that’s TMI, but i know all you girls will stand with me when i say it’s definitely a valid reason.

All this said…When they say that a relationship that lasts is hard…they’re not overestimating. And this was just something dumb. It’s alot of walking forward, and falling, and stumbling and walking forward again…taking hidden trails, and wild animals, some friendly and some not. Alot of accidentally tripping your partner with your walking stick, alot of whacking your head against trees, and alot of getting caught in those dumb little rope traps and ending up hanging upside-down from a tree by your ankle. But, with a truly faithful walking companion…is one who will remain, no matter how many times you trip him, or he trips you, or you both lead eachother down rotten paths with your crazy or stupid ideas. No matter what, you’ve got to be there to protect eachother, and keep eachother warm at night. It’s important.
 suppose that’s all i’ll leave you with tonight, friends. 🙂


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